Tuesday, May 30, 2006

On Being Type A

So I admit I'm a little (shut up KM) Type A and a bit (shut up) of a control freak. I'm the oldest child, I like things to go my way. I like having answers. I like know what's going on. I like having a path established to what I need to accomplish.

A little background. I've mentioned that at 24 I had brain surgery. I had bilateral opthalmic artery aneurysms. That means I had an aneurysm on each opthalmic artery. As soon as I heard the news from my doctor, I excused myself from my desk and went and cried in the ladies room. For 5 minutes. Then I wiped my face, and said, "what's next." And I contacted the neurosurgeon and a week and a half later, I had both aneurysms clipped. Part of that response is that my now-ex-husband was a total basket case and I had to comfort HIM. Rediculous, I know. But the other part of the response is that is how I am. I confront a problem head on and look for a way to solve it.

But now, now my careful planning is being fucked with. In the beginning of March I developed a rash. I figured it was just some allergy or something and it went away. It came back in April. And that time it was EVERYWHERE. But it didn't itch or hurt. So I went to my doctor and she ordered some blood work.

I figured it would all be fine and it was a reaction to soap or shampoo or something. I did some research on things it could be, but really assumed it was nothing.

She called a week and a half ago and my ANA which tests for autoimmune antibodies had a slight positive. She was willing to wait 6 months and retest, I am not. So I have an appointment with a Lupus Clinic because I have other symptoms, most noticeably, the wonderful butterfly rash on my cheeks and nose. Then there is the brain numbing exhaustion that I haven't been able to kick.

To say I'm scared would be an understatement. I'm more scared that I'll go to my appointment, they'll do the 50-bazillion tests, and I still won't have answers. I don't like not having answers. I want to know what is going on with my body. Today I nearly had a breakdown because I am so exhausted and I don't know why and it's making me crazy.

Fortunately, I have wonderful, supportive friends and the love and support of KM. KM is being wonderful through this and listening to me go on and on about stuff and my total freak outs about the rash on my back.

With any kind of luck, this type-a gal will have some answers next week. Even if they say, "well, maybe" that is at least an answer of sorts and I can deal with that.

In knitting news, I finished sock #1 for the pair I'm making for myself and I cast on sock #2 during lunch. I am over half done on the baby blanket I'm making for my friend. No new status on the other projects.


Jamie said...

You'll be fine, regardless. I know this. And, besides, what would I do?

Anyway, where are my socks? :-D

natasha said...

if you find out that you have it...you have already had it for most of your adult life, i would imagine. clotting problems are common with lupus as well. most often, even if you are borderline, unless you are having really bad problems, like organ failure, they will just treat the symptoms and you just have to try to take it easy. my dr. gave me a medicine called provigil, similar to ADHD medicine that i can take if i am exhausted and have things that i totally cannot get out of and it works really well. of course, this is not a permanent solution, but i think the more options like you feel that you have, the better it is.

nextly, while i think it is really good to be informed about your condition, if that is what you have, don't go onto the messageboards or look into it too much, because you will see horrible things that will most likely NEVER happen to you. my dad is a doctor and told me not to look at them and i did anyway...not a good idea.

last, if you ever want to talk, please feel free. i have a couple of friends with auto immune problems and it helps me to realize that i do the best i can and that other people cannot believe how much stuff i do, even if i don't agree and that helps. so please, keep in touch...